“A MARRIAGE OF DESTINY”
By Jesse Lee
Short Play – Comedy
4M, 2F
CHARACTERS:
DICK SMITH: An "Average Joe” kind of guy
MARGE SMITH: Dick’s wife, annoyed by Dick and her life/situation
DESTINY JENSEN: Young, beautiful, blonde, very cheerful
MOBSTER DICK
HENCHMAN 1
HENCHMAN 2
SETTING: A living room. Dick and Marge are sitting on the couch, watching T.V., bored. Marge is putting on nail polish.
MARGE: What time is Fred coming over?
DICK: Mmm, any minute, probably.
MARGE: Do you like this color?
DICK: Sure.
MARGE: I don’t.
DICK: Go figure.
MARGE: What?
DICK: Nothing.
Doorbell rings.
DICK: How ‘bout that? There he is. ( Hollers offstage ) Come on in!
Sounds of a door opening and closing.
DICK: Just kick your shoes off by the door. There’s beer in the fridge. Grab one for me too, would ya?
A young, extremely attractive blonde walks barefoot into the room (from a rear stage entrance), carrying two cans of beer. She hands one to Dick over his shoulder while he is staring at the T.V. He does not turn around or see her.
DICK: Thanks.
DESTINY: You’re welcome.
DICK: Whoa! Uhh…hi?
DESTINY: Hello.
DICK: Umm…what are you doing?
DESTINY: I’m not sure yet. You told me to come in and take my shoes off.
DICK: Oh, I’m sorry. We were expecting someone else. Uh, who might you be?
DESTINY: Oh, pardon me. My name is Destiny Jensen.
DICK: Okay…well, it’s nice to meet you Destiny. Ahhh, sooo…
MARGE: So what are you doing in our house?
DESTINY: Well, I’m looking for someone by the name of Dick Smith that supposedly lives at this address.
DICK: That’s me.
DESTINY: Oh that’s great! You are here, then!
DICK: Uh…yep. So…what can I help you with again?
DESTINY: Okay. It’s really simple, actually. You see, when I was seven years old my mother sent me to the gypsy village to visit the oracle. One of the things that the oracle told me was that I would have a long and happy marriage. But she also said that this man’s name would remain a mystery until exactly ten years later. So I waited. And sure enough, in the wee hours of the morning exactly ten years to the day later, as I lay dreaming, his name came to me just as clear as a clear night sky—Dick Smith.
MARGE: ( confused ) Isn’t it usually harder to see things at night?
DESTINY: ( continuing ) And I’ve been looking for that man ever since. The man of my destiny!
DICK: ( skeptical ) Okay.
DESTINY: ( excited ) And now I’ve found you!
DICK: What?! No. I mean, first of all, what makes you think it’s me? Come on, Dick Smith is a pretty common name.
DESTINY: It’s you. I can tell.
DICK: I’m afraid there must be some confusion. You see, I’m already-
DESTINY: Oh, there’s no confusion. I’m sure of it this time.
DICK: This time?
DESTINY: Yup. It’s my destiny. Yours too now!
MARGE: So, your name is Destiny, and you are looking for your destiny ?
DICK: Yeah ‘cause that is kinda confusing…
DESTINY: Yup! Ilike to think of myself as a ‘self-motivated’ woman!
DICK: Cute!
MARGE: Pathetic.
DICK: Marge!
MARGE: Dick.
DICK: So anyway, Destiny, I’m not really sure how we can help you…with that…I mean, I’m already-
DESTINY: Well that’s easy, Silly! You just marry me!
MARGE: Excuse me?!
DESTINY: That’s all.
MARGE: Just what do you think you are trying to do here, freak?
DESTINY: Is it not obvious? I’m here to find the man of my dreams!
MARGE: Ha! Look around you sweetheart! This aren’t any dreamboats around this place, believe me!
DICK: Well this is awkward.
DESTINY: ( to Marge ) We’ll see about that.
DICK: Look, Destiny. I can’t marry you.
DESTINY: Why not?
DICK: Because. I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m already married. ( points to Marge ) To her.
DESTINY: ( rollsher eyes ) Oh, joy ! Don’t worry about that. That’s really no problem. I know a great divorce attorney.
DICK: Oh?
DESTINY: Yeah! Not quite as good as my other one but I don’t think he’s practicing anymore. He just sorta left town one day. Didn’t leave a forwarding address or anything. Nobody can get a hold of him.
DICK: That’s too bad.
MARGE: Why?
DICK: For her, I mean. Not me. ( to Destiny ) For you. And…others…too, probably.
DESTINY: Divorce rates are rising.
DICK: Wait, you have more than one divorce attorney?
DESTINY: Oh, yeah, honey.
DICK: Well…how many times have you gotten divorced?
DESTINY: Fourteen.
DICK: Fourteen?!
MARGE: Slut.
DICK: How can you be married fourteen times?!
( Suddenly changes his tone to humorous,realizing that he doesn’t want to hurt Destiny’s feelings )
DICK: I mean, fourteen times, whew!
DESTINY: What can I say? It’s like you said. Dick Smith is a common name!
MARGE: No wonder divorce rates are rising.
DICK: Just out of curiosity, have you ever tried dating any of these Dicks before you get married to them?
DESTINY: Why would I do that? My destiny is to be married to a ‘Dick Smith,’ not be dating a ‘Dick Smith.’
DICK: Just because you are supposed to marry a ‘Dick Smith’ doesn’t mean you have to marry them all. Just try going on a few dates first, that way you’ll know whether or not that really is the ‘Dick Smith’ that’s in your destiny.
DESTINY: ( pondering in amazement ) I never thought of that.
MARGE: Go figure.
DESTINY: What?
MARGE: Nothing.
DESTINY: Oh. Well whatever then. So…you ready to marry me now?
DICK: No.
DESTINY: Well you have to. It’s been foretold. And you are an integral part in this ‘marriage of destiny!’
DICK: Umm…just to clarify, when you say that, do you mean, like, a personal marriage of yours, or a foretold marriage in general?
MARGE: Oh Jesus, Dick! What’s the difference? She’s obviously a nut job anyway!
DICK: No, seriously, Marge. The context is very confusing. This whole Destiny’s destiny thing is really weirding me out. I just want to know…
DESTINY: Look, I know it might seem a little confusing at first, but it’s just something that you are going to have to get used to because you are Dick Smith, the man of my destiny!
DICK: No, I’m trying to tell you that I’m not that guy.
DESTINY: Oh yeah? Give me one good reason why you can’t be the man of my dreams.
DICK: Uhh, I already did. I can’t be the man of your dreams because I’m already married!
DESTINY: And so you’re the man of her dreams?
DICK: Yes!
Marge guffaws.
DICK: Well, whatever! I’m already married and that’s that!
DESTINY: That’s not a good enough reason.
DICK: What? It’snot?
DESTINY: No. Why do you think divorce attorneys even exist? The bonds of parchment are no match for the bonds of the heart!
DICK: That’s very poetic.
DESTINY: So you are going to have to come up with a better reason than that to defy true love!
DICK: Oh, okay then. ( Trying to think quickly ) Uh…because I’m…gay!
DESTINY: Nope. Just makes me want you more.
DICK: I have a terminal illness.
DESTINY: Nope. I’d only love you deeper.
DICK: Because…I’M POOR!
DESTINY: ( gasps ) What?! No!
DICK: Yes! That’s it! I don’t have any money to support us!
MARGE: Is that the reason you can’t be with her?!
DICK: No, but I’ve already told her that I’m with you and it’s not sinking in! That’s why I threw that out there! It’s the most unattractive quality I can think of.
MARGE: Trust me, it’s up towards the top of your list.
DICK: What do you mean by that?
MARGE: Oh, nothing.
DESTINY: So, you really don’t have any money to support us?
DICK: Nope. I’m sorry. I’m very poor.
DESTINY: ( deflated ) Oh. That’s not very good.
DICK: No. But I’m sure there’s another Dick Smith out there that has way more money.
DESTINY: Yeah, maybe you’re right.
DICK: ( to Marge ) See? Problem solved!
DESTINY: Just kidding, Honey Bunny!
DICK: What!?
DESTINY: Gotcha, didn’t I? You don’t need any money. I’ve got lots of it!
DICK: Oh. Really?
DESTINY: I told you I know a good divorce attorney.
DICK: Oh. ( sheepishly ) Ha Ha! Jeez, that’s quite the sense of humor youhave there!
DESTINY: Well thank you! Just one of my many great qualities.
MARGE: ( less than impressed ) Oh really.
DESTINY: Yep. I’m rich, I’m pretty, and I really would be the perfect wife. I cook, I clean, I like watching sports… aaaannnd …I’ll let you do me in my rear as often as you want!
DICK: ( struggling internally to resist THAT! ) Those are all… fantastic… qualities to have. But I just am not going to be the kind of guy to get a divorce just for the promise of mind-blowing… cooking !
DESTINY: Why not? That’s the way it worked with my other husbands.
DICK: Because I took a vow, okay? For better or for worse.
DESTINY: I know, but its fine. I’m offering you the better!
DICK: No, that’s not what that means. It means I need to stick with the worse. I mean, not that. It means…
MARGE: What?
DICK: It means that I am not going to leave mywife! This is who I took an oath to. I stood up in front of God and our friends and families and made a promise. ‘Til death do us part. Not ‘til death or divorce or any number of other unforeseen circumstances, including a young blonde that watches football and… cooks …do us part! I made that vow and it means something to me and I am going to honor it! I am not going back on it and that is the power of a real marriage of destiny!
Destiny is momentarily speechless.
DESTINY: Wow! Is that what they call true love? Sticking by your spouse no matter what comes along?
DICK: I guess. Right, Honey?
DESTINY: Wow, that is so amazing! I’m so happy for you two to have found that!
DICK: Thanks!
Destiny pulls a handgun out of herpurse.
DESTINY: But I’m not leaving here without you! You’re going to marry me! It’s my destiny, and you can’t fight destiny!
DICK: Whoa! Okay, okay! Just settle down. But wait, just to clarify, I can’t fight with you or I can’t fight with the notion of a predetermined course of-
MARGE: Oh shut up, Dick!
DICK: No seriously, Marge! It’s really confusing and I just want-
DESTINY: Hey! You don’t talk to my future husband that way!
MARGE: Your future husband?! Now listen here, you little psycho Barbie bitch! I don’t give a crap about any ‘future husband’ you may have, but this is my present husband, and you do not tell me how to talk to him! He’s mine , and I’ll kill him before I let you get your skanky claws anywhere near him!
DICK: Okay, there’s really no need for that.
***********************************
SIMULTANEOUS/ OVERLAPPING ARGUING:
DESTINY: I’m just glad he hasn’t already killed himself from having to put up with your crap, you miserable nag!
MARGE: You’re probably just some little tramp trying to see how many homes you can wreck.
DESTINY: Anyone would deserve better than a marriage to you!
MARGE: The only reason I don’t punch your frickin’ face in is because these nails are still wet!
***********************************
Dick steps between the women and puts his hands out trying to calm the situation and keep them separated.
DICK: Ladies, Ladies! Settle down, please! Everyone just stay calm, okay?
As Dick has his hands out separating the women, Destiny takes a step forward so that Dick’s hand touches her breast. Everyone freezes. After a very brief moment, Dick pulls hishand away quickly.
DICK: ( to Destiny ) What are you doing?
DESTINY: What? You just touched my breast. Do you like them?
DICK: ( confused ) Uhh…
MARGE: Did you just touch her breast?
DESTINY: He just touched my breast. I think he likes them.
MARGE: You just touched her breast! Do you like her breasts?
DESTINY: He does.
DICK: I-
MARGE: Did you touch them?
DESTINY: Do you like them?
DICK: No. I mean yes but she really just walked right into it. I wasn’t even looking.
MARGE: So yes you touched them or yes you liked them?
DICK: Uhh…
DESTINY: You walked right into that one.
MARGE: Are you having a secret affair with her?
DICK: What ?! How could I be? I just met her five minutes ago!
MARGE: Then how did she know you like doing it in the rear?
DICK: Everyone likes doing it in the rear!
Phone rings.
MARGE: Whatever!
She answers the phone.
MARGE: Hello!
Pause.
MARGE: Alright. I’ll tell him.
She hangs up the phone.
MARGE: That was Fred. He can’t make it.
DICK: Wish he’d have called about five minutes ago!
MARGE: You like her don’t you?
DICK: Are you crazy ?! Do you really think this is a good time to do this?
MARGE: You do, don’t you? You can’t take your eyes off her!
DICK: A maniac with a firearm? Probably best to keep your eye on that!
MARGE: She’s not holding that gun in her breasts,now is she?
DICK: What!?
MARGE: I saw you checking her out! Don’t lie!
DESTINY: I’m sorry you two, but we really need to wrap this up now, okay? You said you were married ‘til death do you part, well I just figured out a solution for everyone. Stand back!
Destiny points the gun at Marge.
DICK: Okay! Stop! You’re right, you’re right! Don’t shoot her. You are right! We can’t fight destiny!
MARGE: I knew you liked her!
DESTINY: Good! ( Pause ) Just to clarify, can’t fight-
MARGE: Oh shut up with that already!
DICK: Marge! Calm down! Let me handle this! I’ve got an idea. Just let me run with it, okay?
MARGE: This outta be great ! Your plans always turn out ssooo well!
DICK: What’s that supposed to mean?
Marge doesn’t reply. Dick takes a deep breath before presenting his plan to Destiny.
DICK: Destiny, we can’t argue with the fact that you believe it is your… destiny to be married to a ‘Dick Smith,’ right?
DESTINY: Right. So?
DICK: Ok, look. So you’ve done this whole ‘marriage’ thing many times before, right?
DESTINY: Yeah.
DICK: Trying to fulfill your destiny?
DESTINY: Yeah.
DICK: And each time, you had to get divorced from the wrong Dick Smith before you could move on and find your true love, the Dick Smith from your destiny , right?
DESTINY: Well, yeah. What’s your point?
DICK: So here’s the thing—I’m supposed to be married to this girl, okay? I’ve seen it in my future. So if we were to get married, you would just end up having to hire another divorce attorney. So why don’t we work together on this, okay? You save your money, and I will help you find your true love. Your real true love from your destiny, okay? Deal?
Destiny thinks for a moment.
DESTINY: Okay. Deal!
DICK: Alright, I have an easy solution forthis. Destiny, prepare to meet your destiny!
MARGE: That was so lame.
DESTINY: She’s kinda right.
DICK: Yeah, I agree. ( to Marge, very dramatically ) Honey, could you hand me the phonebook please?
MARGE: Are you kidding me? It’s closer to you. Get it yourself.
DICK: O- kay . I was trying to be dramatic, but…whatever!
Grabs the phonebook and starts thumbing through it.
DICK: Aha! Here’s another Dick Smith right here. I have a strong feeling about this. Could be the man of your destiny!
MARGE: Oh, puh-leez!
Dick picks up the phone and dials.
DICK: Hello? Hi, is this a Mr. Dick Smith? Oh, great! That’s wonderful. This is D-…uhh, Bob…Black…Smith , and I happened to come across something that Ithink belongs to you.
Pause.
DICK: Because, uh, it has your name on it!
Pause.
DICK: What is it? Umm, it’s a bag of cash!
Marge slaps her forehead.
MARGE: Yeah, this is a great plan, alright!
Pause.
DICK: Yeah, 4207 Lexington Heights Circle. Great! See you soon!
Hangs up the phone.
MARGE: You’ve got to be kidding me! I can’t believe someone fell for that!
DICK: ( to Marge ) See? Maybe I’m not as dumb as you think. ( to Destiny ) Alright, this is good. He’s on his way right over.
MARGE: You lied to him.
DICK: I know, but we’ll just introduce them and explain the whole situation when he gets here. It’ll be fine!
MARGE: No it won’t. He thinks he’s coming over here to pick up a bag of cash, and all he’sgoing to end up with is her .
DICK: I don’t think he’ll be too disappointed.
MARGE: Why not?
DICK: What man wouldn’t pick her over a bag of money?
Marge glares at him.
DICK: Besides me?
Destiny puts the gun back into her purse.
MARGE: I bet he’ll be pissed…
Marge sits down and starts thumbing through a magazine or something, ignoring Dick and Destiny.
DICK: Now, Destiny, I really think you need to try dating on this next guy.
DESTINY: Ehh, I don’t know the first thing about going on a date. What even happens on a date?
DICK: A date is a meeting…between a man and awoman…where-
MARGE: Where the man tells lies to the woman to trick her into having sex with him.
DESTINY: Oh.
DICK: No, it’s not that! Well…okay, maybe a little, but for the most part, it’s just two people spending some time together to try and see if they have certain things in common.
DESTINY: Like what?
DICK: Like hobbies or interests. Like, maybe you will discover that both ofyou like going to the movies, or rock climbing.
DESTINY: I still don’t know. I mean, I’ve never done that before. So I’d be really nervous about the first time. What if he doesn’t like that way I date?
DICK: If he doesn’t like the way you date, then it means that that isn’t the ‘Dick Smith’ from your destiny and that you have to go find another Dick to date.
DESTINY: And what if he does like the way I date?
DICK: Well then you need to decide if you want to keep dating that person.
DESTINY: How will I know?
DICK: Well you will have feelings for them. Your heart will beat a little quicker.
DESTINY: My heart is beating quicker.
DICK: Oh.
DESTINY: Is yours?
DICK: ( pauses,unable to admit ‘yes’ in front of Marge ) You’ll have to find someone else that makes your heart do that too.
DESTINY: So you can feel this way for more than one person?
DICK: Sure!
Marge clears her throat audibly.
DICK: I mean no! I mean, I’m sure you can.
DESTINY: Oh. Well, okay. So can we date?
DICK: No.
DESTINY: Why?
DICK: Because. I’m married!
DESTINY: Wow, so marriage ruins dating too?
MARGE: You bet your ass it does…
DESTINY: Geez, I’m beginning to think destiny isweird.
MARGE: Welcome to the club!
DESTINY: I mean, why would I even want to be married? It just doesn’t seem to be any fun at all.
DICK: If you can find the right person, it’sgreat. ( deflated ) At least, that’s what they say.
Marge snorts .
MARGE: Go figure.
DESTINY: What?
MARGE: Nothing.
Dick wanders away from Marge slightly. He looks deep in thought,almost sad. Destiny follows him.
DESTINY: I don’t see what’s so great about her. Look at how she treats you. And you’re going to pick her over me. I’ll never understand why.
DICK: ( tries to sound convincing but fails ) Because I… love …her.
DESTINY: I believe in a lot of things, but I don’t believe that.
DICK: ( second guessing himself? ) I…do. I…
DESTINY: Won’t you please divorce her and come away with me? You would be the man of my dreams. Please?
DICK: I’m just not that guy for you, Destiny. I’d love to be…so much…but I’m just not.
DESTINY: It really is you. I can tell.
DICK: ( maybe changing his mind ) I…
DESTINY: I’m sure of it. Please!
DICK: I…
Dick looks over at Marge. She is ignoring him as usual. He takes a deep breath as though he is going to say something grand but before any words come out of his mouth the doorbell rings, breaking the spell.
MARGE: Oh thank god! It’s about time! Come in!
MOBSTER DICK enters. DESTINY’s jaw drops.
DESTINY: Dick?
DICK: You know his name?
MARGE: Of course she knows his name, you idiot! She wants a Dick. You told her you were calling a Dick. Obviously, she knows his name is Dick.
Two large henchmen enter behind MOBSTER DICK .
MOBSTER DICK: ( very cold ) Hello, Destiny.
DICK: Wait, how do you know her name? And who are these guys?
MARGE: They look like henchmen to me.
DICK: Why do you have henchmen?
DESTINY: Because, he’s a mobster!
DICK: How do you know that?
DESTINY: Because I’ve already been married to that Dick Smith!
DICK: Holy shit!
MARGE: Slut.
MOBSTER DICK: Well I am just delighted that we finally get to meet again! I always wondered whatever happened to you. I even tried to track down where you had ended up but, you know, Dick Smith is such a common name!
DESTINY: So I’m learning.
MOBSTER DICK: I figured I’d never find you, but WOW!—here we are!
DICK: Oh, shit. This is really bad.
MOBSTER DICK: No! It’s great! I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time now. Ever since the divorce. Yeah, she cost me a lot of money, her and that lawyer. But I sure had him taken care of properly. All they ever found was a note saying he was going snorkeling…in the Bermuda Triangle!
DESTINY: So that’s why I couldn’t find him? He went snorkeling in the Caribbean? I can’t believe he didn’t tell me!
MARGE: Umm….
DICK: You know what? I think that this has all just been a huge mistake, and that we should just-
MOBSTER DICK: Nonsense! This is all certainly cause for celebration! I’m sorry to rush off so quickly, Bob, but I have a lot of unfinished business to attend to at the moment. ( to the henchmen ) Boys! Grab her!
Destiny pulls the gun back out of her purse and points it at the henchmen.
DESTINY: Stop right there! Don’t come any closer!
The henchmen stop in their tracks. Mobster Dick walks toward her instead.
MOBSTER DICK: Destiny, Destiny. Don’t you know guns are dangerous? Do you even know how to use that thing?
DESTINY: Yes.
MOBSTER DICK: Then I guess you’ll have to shoot me.
DESTINY: Okay. You asked for it!
She points the gun at him but it doesn’t fire.
MOBSTER DICK: The safety’s on.
DESTINY: Oh.
MOBSTER DICK: Here, let me turn it off for you.
DESTINY: Okay.
Destiny gives Mobster Dick thegun. He turns the safety off and points it at her.
MOBSTER DICK: Get in the car.
DESTINY: No!
MOBSTER DICK: Boys!
The henchmen grab Destiny and begin to take her out.
DESTINY: No! Let me go!
DICK: Wait! Stop! You can’t do this! Destiny!
Dick tries to rescue Destiny, but a henchman punches him in the stomach. Dick falls to the floor. The henchmen take Destiny out the door. Mobster Dick stands beside Dick, inspecting the gun in his hands.
MOBSTER DICK: Bob! What are you trying to do, Bob? I don’t want you to piss me off. You’ve made me very happy tonight. Are you trying to piss me off, Bob?
DICK: ( can barely breathe after having the wind knocked out of him ) No.
MOBSTER DICK: Good man. Stand up here, now.
He pulls Dick up to his feet.
MOBSTER DICK: You gonna live?
DICK: ( wincing ) Yeah.
MOBSTER DICK: Good. Now, I have business to attend to, but before I take off…did you really have my bag of cash or no?
DICK: ( confused ) What? No.
MOBSTER DICK: What? You mean you lied to me?
MARGE: Told you he’d be pissed.
DICK: I didn’t know that you…are you really missing one?
MOBSTER DICK: Yeah, I’m missing a couple. Keep an eye out would you, sport?
Makes a winking/gun motion.
MOBSTER DICK: (to Marge) You have yourself a pleasant night, Toots! (to Dick) Oh, thanks for the call, Bob.
Mobster Dick exits. Dick plops down in the chair. Marge begins removing her nail polish.
DICK: What have I done? I was only trying to help.
MARGE: I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed or not, but you do have a real knack for making things worse.
DICK: Oh, God. I wonder what’s going to happen to her?
MARGE: You probably don’t want to know.
DICK: What a shame. All she was trying to do was fulfill her destiny.
Pause.
DICK: ( to Marge ) What are you doing?
MARGE: Taking off this color.
DICK: I liked that color.
MARGE: It sucks. Like our marriage. I want a divorce.
DICK: I know you’re trying to lighten the mood, but I just don’t feel in a joking mood right now.
MARGE: No. I’m serious.
DICK: What?!
MARGE: I do actually want a divorce.
DICK: Are you shitting me!?
MARGE: This whole incident, it was kinda like the last straw that really made me realize how done our marriage is.
DICK: The incident that just happened? Where I picked you ? Over her ? Did I not just prove my love to you?
MARGE: We couldn’t even get along and not bicker through that ! All we do is fight anymore.
DICK: I can’t believe you are telling me this now! NOW?! Don’t you think you might have wanted to mention this, say, ten minutes ago!?
MARGE: I guess I just got all worked up from that little witch having the audacity to just traipse right in here and try to steal you away from me!
DICK: Steal me away from you? You are throwing me away! What about your vow? ‘Til death, and all?
MARGE: Oh, Dick. Don’t make me resort to that .
DICK: What does that mean?
MARGE: ( sighs ) Nothing.
DICK: I should have just gone. I should have gone with her.
MARGE: You shouldn’t just jump from one relationship to the next, Dick. It’s just not healthy. They say you need to take time between relationships to learn about yourself, because if you aren’t truly satisfied with yourself, then you will never be truly happy in a relationship.
DICK: She’s rich and beautiful and takes it in the rear! I could’ve jumped from this relationship to that one in a millisecond and been happy, woman! But no! I can’t do that now because she is on her way to God only knows where and we are never going to see her again!!!
MARGE: God, I’m so glad to be rid of that color!
DICK: Unbelievable!
A gunshot rings out in the distance.
MARGE: Ooh. Well, I guess you know what happened to her.
DICK: This whole thing is such a shame. I can’t believe it!!!
MARGE: I know. You’re right, Dick. It actually is.
DICK: Wait, you actually feel bad that we are never going to see her again?
MARGE: Now that everything’s all said and done…yeah, I do, actually.
DICK: Why?
MARGE: Well, while she was here…I wish I would have thought to grab the name of that attorney from her.
DICK: Go figure.
MARGE: What?
DICK: You’re a bitch.
MARGE: Hmm.
The door slams open and Destiny bursts in carrying the handgun.
MARGE: What the hell!?
DICK: Holy shit! What are you-?! How are you-?!
DESTINY: I told you, you can’t fight Destiny!
DICK: Oh my God! You’re okay! Wait, just toclarify, when you say-
DESTINY: Both.
DICK: Okay. Thanks for clearing that up. What happened!? How’d you escape?
DESTINY: Pbfft! I carry more than one gun in my purse!
DICK: Really?
DESTINY: You can never be too careful!
DICK: Wow! So you shot Mobster Dick?
DESTINY: Don’t tell anyone, okay?
DICK: Okay. But what about the henchmen?
Destiny whistles and the henchmen enter the room.
DESTINY: They work for me now. Boys, take her away!
The henchmen carry Marge kicking and screaming off the stage.
DICK: What’s going to happen to her?
DESTINY: You probably don’t want to know.
DICK: Oh. Okay.
DESTINY: So, do you still see your future with her?
DICK: Nope.
DESTINY: Told ya you’d end up with me.
DICK: It’s like you said, I guess. You can’t fight-
DESTINY: Let’s not overdo it.
DICK: Okay.
She holds something out to him.
DESTINY: Here. Rings for us.
DICK: Alright.
He removes his current ring from his finger and puts the new one on in its place.
DICK: It fits!
DESTINY: The oracle told me your ring size. You ready to marry me now ?
DICK: Let’s go, baby!
THE END.