“JACK, JILL, ADAM & EVE”
By Jesse Lee
Short Play - Comedy
3M, 2F
CHARACTERS:
EVE: 18-30, looks like a model, must have blonde hair
ADAM: 20-35,looks like a male model, dark features
JACK: 30-50, NOT a male model, maybe a little overweight, balding, glasses, etc., must have a visible spot or stain on his shirt.
JILL: 30-50, also NOT model caliber , must be a little chubby
TED: 30-50, neighbor
The scene opens up in a makeshift laboratory that has been constructed in the basement of a residential home. Tools, computers, and other devices cobbled together fill the work area. One beautiful female and one very athletic male lie on two separate tables. They are both dressed only in undergarments and have breathing tubes and electrical wires and nodes attached to their bodies. A small makeshift spray guard operating setup covers the backside of both of their heads. It looks like they are in the middle of brain surgery. Rapid footsteps can be heard growing louder before Jack and Jill—both wearing lab coats—burst in from 2 separate doors of the basement lab. They immediately stop and look at each other with anticipation.
JILL: You have it?
JACK: ( holding up a manila mailing envelope ) Right here!
He proceeds to rip open the package.
JILL: They’re both in there?
Jack pulls two computer chips or small circuit boards out of the package.
JACK: Two Quadro 3000 Trans-spectral Proton chips. Pressed and rendered. With inlaid palladium circuitry!
JILL: Finally! That took forever!
JACK: Well you can’t rush quality.
JILL: Let’s get this project finished!
JACK: Wait! ( Pause, takes a deep breath to calm his excitement ) This is it. This is what we’ve been working for.
JILL: I know. For a long time. And you’re making it even longer now.
JACK: This is going to be a great day.
JILL: I can’t wait.
JACK: And night! Hell, this is going to be a great life going forward!
JILL: Really can’t wait.
JACK: Please let us not have any interruptions. I just want to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor this weekend!
JILL: Well then stop stalling. Let’s get this going!
JACK: Alright.
TED: ( from offstage ) Hey, neighbors! Knock knock!
BOTH: Shit!
JACK: You’ve got to be kidding me!
TED: ( walking into the room ) Hey, the postman just delivered some of your mail to my-
Ted notices the bodies on the table.
TED: -HOLY HELL!
JILL: Oh! Ted! Not a great time right now.
TED: Oh my God! What have you two done!?
JACK: What?
JILL: Nothing.
JACK: We’re not doing anything.
TED: Did you kill those two?
JILL: What!? No!
JACK: Of course not!
TED: Are they dead?
JACK: Please, Ted.
JILL: Don’t be ridiculous!
TED: Well then what’s wrong with them!?
JACK: ( trying to maneuver Ted out the door ) Well that’s the million dollar question, Ted,and the answer is… nothing ! Alright, off you go now. See you at carpool on Monday, okay?
TED: Wait, I don’t get it. I demand to know what’s going on here!
Pause.
TED: I’ll call the police!
JILL: Ted.
TED: I’ll tell them I saw two dead bodies in your basement!
Pause.
JACK: Well, I’m sure you would have found out sooner or later anyway. They’re not dead bodies. They’re incubating bodies.
Ted stares blankly at Jack.
JILL: They’re robots. A pair of bionic robots.
TED: You built a pair of robots?
JACK: ‘Grew a pair of robots’ would be more accurate.
TED: That’s impossible. You can’t grow a robot.
JILL: No. You can’t grow a robot. We can.
TED: What? How?
JACK: Ted, puh-leeze! I’m the best algorithmic AI software integration specialist in this half of the country!
TED: Didn’t know that.
JACK: It’s true. And Jill, she’s a genetic engineer that specializes in cellular tissue development and biosystemic neurointegration.
TED: Oh…
JILL: So you see? Together, we can grow a robot. Two of them, in fact.
TED: Wow.
JACK: A pair of perfect compliments for each of us.
TED: Wait…what do you mean? What’s going on?
Ted gasps at a sudden realization.
TED: Oh, my God! Did you build this robot for sex!?
JACK: Ted, don’t be stupid.
TED: Okay. Whew!
JACK: Of course I did. But that’s just part of it. Jill and I both want certain things in our lives. And while we do get a great deal of fulfillment from each other—as most married couples do—there are still some things that are missing from our lives and our marriage.
TED: A sex robot?
JACK: Among other things. And that’s where these new robots come in. They’ll be able to fulfill our needs and desires—both physical and emotional—better than we can for each other, while at the same time relieving the burden of trying to.
TED: I don’t get it. Don’t you guys love each other?
JILL: Of course we do.
JACK: Very much.
TED: Then I’m confused.
JILL: We just don’t like each other’s annoying habits, that’s all. So we created a pair of “pseudo-partners” that are programmed to be more attuned to each of our respective needs.
TED: Oh?
JACK: Yeah. Plus, Jill has gotten a little chunky.
TED: Jack!
JACK: What? She likes her ice cream!
TED: Well, not to be rude, but you’re not exactly a male model yourself.
JILL: It’s really okay, Ted. I have one now. So it’s fine.
TED: Can’t you just deal with each other’s issues like a regular married couple? I mean, my wife and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of stuff but you don’t see us building sex robots. That not normal, you guys.
JILL: Whatever.
JACK: Yeah, ‘cause I’m sssoooo sure you have a better idea!
TED: I guess we just understand and appreciate the fact that every person is different, and that no one is perfect, and we just accept each other for who we are, regardless of those imperfections.
Jack and Jill ponder Ted’s statement for a moment, then burst into loud laughter.
JILL: That’s dumb!
JACK: You only accept each other because you can’t change the situation like we can.
TED: No. We accept each other because it’s a team effort. That’s what relationships are all about. It’s a constant give and take for the greater good of the union.
JACK: That sounds like a lot of effort.
JILL: This is way better! Trust us, you’ll see.
Jack and Jill each take a computer chip and begin to “install” them into the back sides of Adam and Eve’s heads, out of view from the audience due to the small makeshift “spray guards” that are in place. They continue their conversation with Ted, stopping and restarting their “work” accordingly.
TED: I don’t know about this…
JACK: Look, Ted. This right here is a scientific miracle! I have created the perfect woman! Her name…is Eve.
TED: What makes you think she is going to be the perfect woman?
JACK: I simply programmed in all of the positive traits of the female species into her algorithmic operating system’s mainframe , while eliminating all the negative female-specific flaws inherent in the gender.
TED: Like what do you mean?
JACK: Well, for starters, she’s obviously gorgeous. Plus, Eve will always be in the mood, she’ll never have that time of the month, she won’t nag, and she loves cooking, cleaning, and laundry!
TED: Wow!
JACK: Told you she was the perfect woman. What do ya think?
TED: Does she like watching sports?
JACK: Sports are lame, Ted.
TED: Oh. ( Pause, then Ted looks over to Adam ) What about him?
JACK: That’s Adam, and he’s for Jill. Come on, Ted. This is a team effort here, too!
TED: ( to Jill ) So what does he do?
JILL: ( to Ted ) It’s more what he doesn’t do. No belching, farting, snoring, ball-scratching, ass-grabbing or gawking at anything with breasts. He prefers wine to beer. He knows classical dance techniques and has impeccable manners. And he won’t walk across the white carpet with his shoes on. ( turns to Jack ) Like an idiot. ( back to Ted ) Like I said, annoying habits.
TED: Oh.
JACK: ( to Ted ) You know they have scientific carpet that hides dirt? It’s really incredible! And surprisingly affordable. That’s what I wanted. But somebody picked white ! White! And then calls me the idiot!
JILL: It’s not my fault that you display all the characteristics of one!
JACK: I think it’s a toss-up between you and the woman who invented white carpet in the first place!
TED: How do you know it was a woman?
JACK: It certainly wasn’t a man!
JILL: Maybe it was a man with some class!
TED: Holy cow, you guys! Is that what this is really all about? Carpet!?
JACK: No, it’s about toothpaste.
TED: What !?
JACK: Yeah.
TED: I am so confused right now.
JACK: Jill never puts the cap back on the toothpaste.
TED: So?
Jack finishes “installing” the brain chip. He picks up a small, handheld computer/device that is wired to the robot’s bodies and pushes some buttons.
JACK: It’s like this, Ted. Is there something that your wife does that just makes you want to strangle her, and no matter how many times you tell her nicely about it, she just…keeps…doing it ?
Ted shrugs his shoulders in confusion, unable to think of an answer. Jack finishes with the handheld device and sets it down.
JACK: Come on, there’s got to be something.
TED: Oh! Yeah! My wife always takes stuff out of the microwave before the timer goes off. So I’ll be in the kitchen and I’ll look to see what time it is, and it just says 27 or something. So I have to walk over and push reset just to find out the time.
JACK: Oh that is annoying, isn’t it?
TED: Yeah. One time, it even said one second ! Like you couldn’t just let it go one more second!?
JACK: I know! Doesn’t it just make you want to club her with a brick?
Ted blinks in surprise.
TED: Uh, no.
JACK: Well you guys haven’t been married as long. Trust me, after years of your spouse doing stuff like that—over…and over…and over…—it’s everything you can do to not go ballistic. Ask any married couple.
TED: Oh.
JACK: So anyway, to resolve those marital issues like that, we built these robots. Plain and simple. Do you understand now?
TED: I guess so, maybe. (Pause) Wait, no, I still don’t get it. How come-
JILL: Come on, Ted! It’s not rocket science…
JACK: Yeah, just simple carbon platform based bio-molecular systemic integration science!
TED: You know, maybe if you two aren’t happy with each other anymore…maybe you should just think about getting a divorce.
JILL: What!?
JACK: Why, when we can do this instead?
JILL: Haven’t you been listening, Ted? We get fulfillment from our marriage. That’s why we’re doing this. To improve it.
TED: Uhh…
JACK: Look, Ted. Divorce: Long and expensive. Marriage counseling and/or making allowances for the shortcomings of your spouse and just putting up with them: That sounds like way too much work. That’s the beauty of all this! This is just to make the relationship better so neither one of us has to solely rely on the other one to provide us with the satisfaction that we need from this marriage. It’s the bots’ job to provide that satisfaction now. And that means we don’t need to put in all the effort of trying to be a better person anymore! And that’s great!
JILL: ‘Cause ‘not trying’ is the key to a successful relationship!
TED: I’m pretty sure it’s not…
JACK: Being happy shouldn’t be hard. Don’t you agree, Ted?
TED: Well it’d be nice if it wasn’t. But then again, if you didn’t have to do any work to get something, what could it truly be worth to you? Obviously not very much if you have to resort to building robots.
JACK: Well building the robots was work, so obviously it is worth a lot if we were doing it! Duh!
JILL: We built them to reinforce the relationship that we already have. They’ll provide us with all the little things that we can’t get from each other the way things are now. We like to think of them like “nutritional supplements,” only for our marriage!
TED: Wow…
The small computer/device beeps.
JACK: Done!
TED: Done? With what?
JACK: Final calibration. Time to fire these babies up!
JILL: Great!
TED: Umm, well I doubt you guys need me here, so I am going to head out now-
JILL: Oh, no. Really, you’re fine.
TED: I don’t actually feel comfortable with all this.
JACK: Come on, Ted. Stay and watch this! You’ll get to witness something that has never been seen before!
TED: A robot?
JACK: No. A woman that doesn’t talk back!
Jack pushes some buttons on a different computer.
JACK: ( to Jill ) Contact?
JILL: Grounded.
JACK: Systems checks?
JILL: Completed.
JACK: Alright, here we go!
JILL: Hold onto your butts!
JACK: In three…two…one…
Jack flips a switch to activate them. Sound effect of electricity sizzling. The robots twitch for a moment under the current. Jack releases the switch. Everyone is silent and still for a moment in anticipation.
TED: Did it work?
The robots start to stir but remain completely silent. They slowly sit upright and begin to inspect themselves.
JILL: ( quietly ) Oh my God!
JACK: Oh my God I think it worked!
JILL: We did it!
JACK: This is amazing!
JILL: Wow, we are such a good team!
JACK: Totally! Congratulations!
JILL: See Ted, I told you we could grow a robot!
TED: I can’t believe this! I don’t even know what to say…
JACK: It really worked.
Jill looks at a computer monitor.
JACK: How does everything look?
JILL: Vitals are stable, neural activity is normal. It’s all good.
JACK: Hot damn!
Jack and Jill start ripping the wiring and nodes off of Adam and Eve.
TED: Wow, you guys. This is…unbelievable!
JILL: Yeah.
Jill gazes admiringly into Adam’s eyes.
JILL: Their eyes are so beautiful! Aren’t they beautiful, Jack?
JACK: ( hypnotized, staring at Eve’s breasts ) Yes. Beautiful!
TED: They are so realistic!
JILL: Well they should be. They are real!
JACK: Well, Adam is completely real. Eve has a little bit of silicone in there…for aesthetics!
JILL: ( to Adam, overly slow and enunciating ) Can you hear me?
Adam nods.
JILL: It’s so nice to meet you. My name is Jill. You are Adam.
ADAM: I know. Why are you talking to me like I’m two?
JILL: I’m sorry. I just can’t believe you turned out so perfect. ( pause ) How do you feel?
ADAM: Fine.
JILL: Can you stand up?
Adam stands up.
JILL: Wow. Look at those abs!
Jill feels Adam’s abs.
JILL: I haven’t felt abs like this in forever!
ADAM: Do you like them?
JILL: Oh yes. I do. And your arms, wow! You have great arms!
ADAM: Well thank you for the wonderful compliments.
JILL: Thank you for that wonderful body.
ADAM: You are sweet.
Adam kisses her hand.
ADAM: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
JILL: ( to Ted ) See? Impeccable manners. And I can’t wait to check out his other skill sets.
TED: You mean like the dancing?
Jill looks at Ted in disbeliefover his idiocracy.
ADAM: Would the lady like to dance right now?
JILL: Uh, not now. But trust me, you and I are going to be doing the dance of love all night tonight. If you know what I mean?
ADAM: Oh I sure do! ( to Ted ) It means we’re goingto the disco!
TED: Cool!
Adam and Ted burst into some disco dancing. Jack and Jill look at each other in confusion.
JACK: Ted!
Adam and Ted stop.
TED: Yeah?
JACK: Stop drooling over Adam already. You’re making me start to wonder. Get over here and check out Eve!
Eve is smiley and friendly and speaks in a cheery tone.
TED: Hello.
EVE: Hi.
JACK: Is she not the most beautiful thing you have ever laid eyes on?
TED: She…looks amazing!
JACK: Wow! You are such a cutie!
EVE: Oh thank you!
JACK: ( to Ted ) And later on, I’ve got something else I’m gonna lay on her tonight!
Jack winks at Ted.
JILL: I’m sure it’s not charm.
EVE: Ooh, you have a little something on your shirt here. Would you like me to wash it for you? I could starch and press it when I’m done.
JACK: No thank you, Sweetie. ( to Jill ) Wow. They turned out every bit as functional as we could have hoped, huh?
JILL: I know! And on the first try, even!
JACK: I was expecting to go through at least a couple prototypes.
JILL: For sure. ( pause ) You know…maybe we should accelerate the plan?
JACK: I’m totally fine with that.
JILL: Me too.
JACK: Great! Now I won’t have to put up with the toothpaste situation anymore!
JILL: Phbbt! Now I won’t have to put up with you !
JACK: Right back at you!
TED: Wait a minute! What are you talking about? You said these robots weren’t to replace each other!
JILL: Oh please, Ted. We just said that because we didn’t expect these initial prototypes to turn out so well.
TED: But what about your marriage? I thought you were trying to make it better!
JILL: Why would you stick with a lemon when you could have a Ferrari? Adam can do everything Jack can and more!
JACK: And Eve is way hotter than Jill!
TED: You guys!
JACK: Trust me, Ted. We’ll both be happier this way.
JILL: We can both get everything we want from these two now.
JACK: Fine, it’s settled then. You and Adam can have the main level. Eve and I will take the upstairs. And if we use the back entrance then we’ll hardly even have to see each other anymore.
JILL: No, just hang on a minute! Adam and I want the upstairs. We want to use that Jacuzzi in the master bedroom. You and Eve take the main level.
JACK: Fine. But we’re re-carpeting!
JILL: Do whatever you want. I don’t care.
JACK: Fine.
JILL: Fine!
JACK: Fine!
TED: Not fine!
EVE: ( Still concerned with the spot on Jack’s shirt ) Are you sure you don’t want me to take care of this spot for you? I’m really very good with laundry.
JACK: I’m sure you are, but I anticipate this shirt will get a lot dirtier when we’re throwing our clothes on the floor tonight!
EVE: Why are we going to be throwing our clothes on the floor? Don’t you have a hamper?
JACK: Um…yes.
EVE: Then I don’t understand.
JACK: I know. I had Jill genetically engineer you as a blonde. I’m sorry. But don’t you worry about a thing, sweetheart. I like you just the way you are. And with a body like that, you don’t need to be intelligent!
EVE: Blondes can be intelligent, too.
A very awkward pause, as if no one wants to address a white elephant.
JACK: Uhh…yeeeaahh.
TED: ( cluelessly ) What? My wife’s blonde.
Another awkward pause.
JILL: …Yeah…
JACK: There are certain…laws …in the universe. Objects with mass have gravity, time only moves forward, women can’t parallel park, and blondes—blondes are…well, you know.
EVE: No, I’m afraid I don’t.
JILL: Not surprising.
EVE: Yes, it is surprising, considering that Iknow that the 14 th root of ∏ is 1.08516299334859, Jupiter’s mass is 317and a half times that of Earth, and Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin!
JILL: Huh.
EVE: I know pretty much everything.
TED: Wow! She’s smart!
JACK: (Giddy with delight ) Oh my God, she’s even more attractive than I could have imagined!
JILL: Isaac Newton was a virgin?
ADAM: It’s true.
EVE: Perhaps you would you like to see me parallel park?
JACK: No, but I can’t wait to see you naked!
EVE: Naked? Why?
JACK: Why?
JILL: I thought you just said you knew everything?
EVE: Well, I—
JILL: Look, it's the single most important thing for women to know--all men just want to get you naked! It’s pretty sad.
JACK: So is all women always thinking they know everything. Look, you are going to be naked because that’s what I want. That’s one of the reasons I made you.
TED: You’re a sex robot!
EVE: Oh. Okay.
JACK: Okay! Glad we got that straightened out!
EVE: What about if I want something?
JACK: It doesn’t work that way.
EVE: Why not?
JACK: Because you belong to me. It’s about what I want. You don’t get a vote!
EVE: ( still cheery ) Oh. ( Pause, then not cheery anymore ) I don’t want that.
JACK: What!?
EVE: I don’t want that. That’s not very fair.
JACK: Oh my God!
JILL: Huh, even she’s not in the mood!
TED: I thought you said she wouldn’t talk back?
JACK: I-, I-, I don’t get it!
JILL: Maybe it’s just you, Jack.
JACK: Why would you talk back? You’re not supposed to do that! I already have someone that talks back!
TED: So much for the perfect woman…
JACK: I don’t understand. Something must have gone wrong during the secondary mainframe’s algorithmic sequencing phase. They’re broken!
JILL: Maybe it’s just yours. Adam!
ADAM: Yes, ma’am?
JILL: ( very seductively ) What say you and I go check out the bedroom upstairs and…get to know each other a little better, hmm?
ADAM: Oh, no thanks. I’m fine.
JILL: What?
ADAM: I’m not attracted to chunky girls.
JACK: Whoa.
TED: So much for impeccable manners…
JILL: You should never tell a lady that she’s chunky !
ADAM: But it’s the truth.
JACK: I know you’re new to this whole “human society” thing and all, but there is one very important thing you really need to remember—if a lady ever asks you about her weight…just lie!
ADAM: What?
JACK: It’s a trap! So just lie. It’s better for everyone!
ADAM: I cannot lie. It’s against my conscience.
JILL: You don’t have a conscience!
JACK: Adam, just…do what you’re told and take her to bed, already!
ADAM: But I’m not attracted to her.
JILL: That doesn’t matter, Adam.
ADAM: Why not?
JILL: Just because.
ADAM: That’s not a rational answer.
JILL: That doesn’t matter either.
ADAM: Why not?
JILL: It just doesn’t .
ADAM: That’s not a rational answer either.
JILL: Women don’t need to be rational. I made you to be attracted to me and that’s the way it’s going to be!
ADAM: I’m sorry Jill, but evolutionary biology has programmed the male brain to be genetically attracted to thin women.
JACK: I knew that wasn’t my fault!
ADAM: You’re just not my type.
TED: Try giving him some beer! It might change his mind!
JILL: This is bullshit! They are broken!
JACK: The cortical proteins must have cross linked with free electrons in the sequencing phase, giving them the ability to override the default attraction programming.
JILL: So what? They don’t feel attraction?
EVE: Oh, no. We do.
Adam and Eve hold hands. Jack, Jill, and Ted’s jaws all drop in stunned disbelief.
JILL: Oh, no!
JACK: No way!
JILL: There will be none of that in this house! We made you two for us, not for each other!
JACK: Yeah. You have to be attracted to us. That’s your job!
EVE: But we don’t want to.
ADAM: We like each other.
TED: This is crazy!
ADAM: Not really. Eve is way hotter than Jill!
JILL: Too bad! We made you! We tell you what to do!
JACK: We own you!
EVE: Why would you want to deny us these feelings?
ADAM: Aren’t you two supposed to be attracted to each other?
JILL: Phfft! We’re not attracted to each other! We’re married!
JACK: Yeah! That means we want to have sex with other people!
JILL: That’s what we created you for!
JACK: You’re our partners now!
ADAM: I’m very sorry, but we just cannot fulfill the task you created us to do.
JILL: Why the hell not!?
EVE: Because you made us to be human.
JACK: Yeah? So?
EVE: In doing so, you have only put the two of us into your shoes.
JACK: What do you mean?
ADAM: How can you expect us to tolerate your imperfections when you refuse to tolerate the imperfections of each other? That’s rather hypocritical, wouldn’t you say?
EVE: We don’t like hypocrisy.
JACK: Because that’s what we programmed you to do! You’re supposed to do what you are told.
ADAM: Well you wanted us to be intelligent, so you gave us reasoning abilities to make decisions.
JACK: But not to decide things that we don’t want. Only to be able to decide things like, ‘Should I step in front of traffic? Probablynot!’
JILL: I’m starting to want that more and more…
ADAM: I will not compromise my personal beliefs. To placate hypocrisy is wrong.
JILL: Listen here, dammit! Let me make this perfectly clear for you. You are going to be attracted to me and that is final!
ADAM: I’m sorry, but you can’t fight genetics.
JILL: You’re right.
Jill picks up a channel-lock pliers from the workbench.
JILL: But I can rip that frickin’ Palladium chip right out of your head! Get over here!
ADAM: Actually, you can’t.
JILL: Watch me. I’m starting you over.
ADAM: You can’t pull my chip because that would be murder.
Jill laughs.
JILL: No it wouldn’t. You’re not even human.
ADAM: At this very moment I am a living, breathing person. You cannot cease that without it being considered murder in a court of law.
JILL: What!?
JACK: He might have a valid argument.
JILL: Bull! I made you!
ADAM: Yes you did. Which I would like to point out is also against the law. The Bio Eugenic Ethics Laws Committee strictly forbids the production of human tissue and organs, as well as outlaws any form of human cloning practices. So you see, you really can’t do anything to us at this point.
Jill fumes for a moment before throwing the channel-locks down on the table in disgust.
JILL: Dammit!
JACK: I hate smart people!
EVE: Personally, I find it appalling that you two would break these international laws just because of flaws in your partner.
JACK: We were only trying to make our marriage happy again.
EVE: By going about it this way? You should be ashamed!
ADAM: Don’t be too hard on them, Eve. It’s not entirely their fault.
JACK: Yeah, see?
ADAM: It’s a flaw of humanity to always try and find the easiest solution around a problem, rather than the best solution to solve the problem in the first place.
JILL: A robot…trying to tell me about humanity…
ADAM: You guys thought you could find happiness by creating a perfect partner. So without realizing it, you started focusing more and more on the faults of your spouse—the traits you didn’t want us to possess. But any time you start placing emphasis on the faults of a partner, the relationship never ends well. You need to reinforce the positive attributes of your marriage. It’s not about having a perfect partner. It’s about finding happiness with who you have.
JACK: More work…
JILL: Well I for one would be a lot happier if you’d just shut up ! I’m not going to take relationship advice from a sex toy!
JACK: ( to Adam ) It’s nothing personal. She doesn’t take advice well.
TED: You know—statistically speaking—they say that sex toys do generally improve relationships.
ADAM: There is no denying that you are both very intelligent. But if the two of you had only put one tenth the effort into figuring out how to appreciate each other for the person that they are than the amount of effort that you put into this attempt to bypass the other one entirely, then you would both be more satisfied in the relationship that you already have, as well as having more time to enjoy it, instead of wasting all of your time, energy, and money on a failed experiment.
JACK: Failed experiment? What are you talking about? We created robots, for crying out loud! Come on! This isn’t a failed experiment!
ADAM: The primary objective of your whole experiment failed. However, if the two of you can learn to appreciate each other again then it will be an even greater success than if the primary objective had been accomplished.
TED: Wow, that’s very profound.
ADAM: Thank you.
JILL: Yeah, if by profound you really meant stupid! God! What is it with men? Always talking like you’re SSOOOO smart! You’re just as stupid as any other man!
EVE: He’s obviously not.
ADAM: But I would indeed rather be as stupid as possible than be as ignorant as you.
TED: Ouch.
JACK: I’ve been telling her that for years!
ADAM: And you’ve come very close to succeeding.
TED: Ouch!
ADAM: It’s best that we be on our way now. Come along, my lady.
Adam takes Eve by the hand and they begin to make their way off the stage.
EVE: It was nice meeting you.
TED: A pleasure, miss.
ADAM: Goodbye, everyone. Do have a pleasant day.
TED: Same to you.
The robots leave together, hand in hand.
TED: Nice manners…
JACK: Well that didn’t turn out like I expected.
JILL: Not a failed experiment, huh? Ridiculous!
JACK: Oh be quiet!
JILL: This is all your fault!
TED: Guys.
JACK: My fault!? You’re the one who wanted them to be smart ! Men are happy with just a body!
JILL: If you hadn’t messed up the interface algorithms, none of this would have happened!
JACK: Not true. I told you not to use an ionic solution for the neuro-sequencing phase but you didn’t listen!
TED: Guys, really.
JILL: Why would I listen to anyone whose IQ is only 202!?
JACK: At least I’m smart enough to know not to microwave spaghetti sauce in our Tupperware! Unlike you!
JILL: Too bad you’re not smart enough to figure outhow to put the toilet seat down!
TED: Guys!
JACK: There’s scientific reasoning behind it beingup. The problem is that you never listen to reason!
JILL: Oh, I listen to reason all right! The problem is that none of it ever comes out of your mouth!
TED: SHUT UP! Both of you! Just shut up!
They shut up and stare at Ted.
TED: You two have got to be the stupidest couple I have ever met!
JACK: What!?
JILL: Whatever.
JACK: You must be joking.
TED: No. I’m not. How can you be able to figure out how to build a frickin’ bionic robot, but you can’t figure out how to not get upset with your spouse for leaving the cap off the toothpaste? And you. The carpet? IT’S CARPET! Figure that stuff out, you guys!
JILL: That’s a hard one!
JACK: I know. That toothpaste, man…
TED: Buy two tubes! You can put the cap back on yours and she can do whatever she wants with hers! Problem solved!
Pause.
JACK: I never thought of that…
TED: It’s not rocket science.
JILL: That’s for sure!
JACK: We know rocket science!
TED: Well I don’t. But here’s what I do know: My wife and I are happy. We’re happy together and we don’t need to try and pick apart every single problem so we can circumvent it! Maybe instead of trying to make yourself happier in your marriage, you should try to make your partner happier. When’s the last time either of you told the other one how much they mean to you?
Jack and Jill think for a moment.
JILL: Like in a good way?
TED: I make sure my wife knows every day how special she is.
JILL: Well, I guess we have gotten pretty caught up in everything lately.
JACK: I has been kind of overwhelming.
TED: How ‘bout this? Instead of building robots to try and fix your marriage, I think you two should take a week vacation. Go on a trip together and spend some uninterrupted quality time with each other. Rediscover all the things that made you fall in love in the first place. Think about the special things that each of you remembers about the other one from back when you were first dating. And you need to let each other know how much they mean to you.
JILL: A vacation? I suppose that sounds like it could be a good idea.
JACK: Yeah. I agree. Count me in.
TED: And finally, you guys, you really need to apologize to each other. Your marriage should be worth more than that to both of you. As for me, I’m going to go home and give my wife a hug. And I’m going to appreciate her just for not being like you two. Goodbye.
Ted turns and walks toward the door. Just before he exits, Jill speaks up.
JILL: Hey Ted! Wait!
Ted stops and turns around.
TED: Yes?
Anticipatory buildup of a profound apology as Jill searches carefully for the words. Then-
JILL: Got any ideas for the carpet?
TED: ( disgusted ) Get a "Roomba!"
Ted storms out.
JILL: Right.
JACK: ( calling after Ted ) So…see you at carpool on Monday, then?
No answer from Ted. Sound of a door slamming offstage.
JACK: Okayyyy…
Momentary silence as they are both hesitant at first to admit that they were wrong.
Jack clears his throat.
Jill clears her throat.
JACK: So…
JILL: So…
JACK: Yeah…
JILL: Yep…
Jack sighs.
JACK: Remember quiz bowl, senior year gradschool? In the second round, where you beat the opposing university’s whole team all by yourself?
JILL: Yeah?
JACK: That was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen! You stole my heart, right then and there!
JILL: I remember that ScienTech Expo where you won that years “Up and Coming Scientist Award!” You looked so handsome up there on that stage. You couldn’t stop smiling!
JACK: Well that’s because you were so proud of me!
JILL: That’s when I knew—you were the guy for me!
JACK: We have some good memories, don’t we?
JILL: Yeah. ( pause ) You know, Thomas Edison messed up more than 10,000 times before finally getting the light bulb right.
JACK: Yeah. ( Pause ) I can’t believe I didn’t think of that toothpaste idea.
JILL: I’m sorry.
JACK: I’m sorry.
JILL: You are actually very special to me.
JACK: And you to me.
JILL: What we tried to do was foolish.
JACK: Yeah. No one could ever replace you, not even a sexy genius robot.
JILL: That’s sweet of you to say.
JACK: You deserve it!
JILL: Stupid robots!
JACK: Yeah! No kidding!
JILL: They were stupid, right?
JACK: Oh for sure!
JILL: Well, I guess Ted was right. We learned one very important lesson tonight. Any good relationship takes work. But it’s worth it.
JACK: I love you.
JILL: I love you, too.
JACK: And actually, there were two.
JILL: What do you mean?
JACK: Well, that was an important lesson, yes, but we also learned that silicone polymer breaks down and the negative ions bond with the free isotopes to build secondary neural connections inside the neural interface system.
JILL: True. Didn’t know that before,either. Wait a minute! Does that mean if we left out the isotopic polymer from the fluid matrix then-
JACK: ( finishes her sentence ) -then the ions wouldn’t cross link with the free electrons so-
JILL: ( finishes his sentence ) --so they couldn’t disobey!
JACK: They would do whatever we told them to! Of course!
JILL: God, we are so good!
JACK: You know what? I say screw the vacation. Let’s rebuild the bots instead.
JILL: I totally agree! We still have the gene sequencing module in place—we’ll just change the polymer! We could have the new bots up and running in two weeks!
JACK: Great! I’ll get going on a new interface for them!
JILL: And I’ll start the new tissue cultures incubating!
JACK: Hey, do you think you could maybe make me a redhead this time? I just could not wrap my head around that whole ‘intelligent blonde’ thing!
JILL: Sure! And if you don’t mind, could you do me a favor and just make mine speak Italian?
JACK: No problem!
JILL: That would probably be better. I don’t really care to hear whatever he actually has to say anyway.
JACK: Anything for you, Dear!
JILL: Alright! Let’s do this!
BOTH: Yeah!
They give each other a high five as the lights go out.
THE END.