“PSYCHICS”
By Jesse Lee
Short Play - Comedy
4M, 1F, 3M or F, plus extras
CHARACTERS:
GLEN: M, psychic
BILL: M, psychic
WALTER: M, psychic
MATT: M, young man
NADIA: F, an incredibly attractive girl/woman
BARTENDER: M or F
AT LEAST 2 WAITSTAFF: M or F
SOME EXTRAS– milling around, passing through, etc.
GLEN, BILL, AND WALTER all stand at a hotel bar, talking inaudibly amongst themselves. A small bouquet of flowers sits on or very near the bar. Perhaps some occasional individuals meander around. Everyone wears name tags. A sign reads “Welcome to the 14 th annual Psychics Convention.” MATT walks hesitantly into the room, as though unsure if he is in the right place.
BILL: ( hushed, to the others ) Hey. Here he comes.
GLEN: ( loudly, to Matt ) Hi there!
MATT: Hi.
GLEN: Are you looking for someone?
MATT: Well, why don’t you tell me? After all, aren’t you the psychics?
Glen, Bill, and Walter frown.
GLEN: Not cool.
BILL: That’s really not funny.
MATT: Oh, I’m sorry. I was just kidding.
GLEN: Psych! Get it? That was a actually a pretty good one, kid.
WALTER: We get that one a lot.
BILL: At least we always know when it’s coming.
MATT: Ohh… Oh, I get it! Psych! ( chuckles ) Clever.
GLEN: Put ‘er there, young man. It’s a pleasure to meet you. My name’s Glen.
BILL: Bill.
WALTER: Walter.
MATT: Nice to meet you all. My name’s Matt Nelson.
GLEN: Yup, I know.
MATT: That’s right. Forgot. Psychic!
GLEN: Actually, I just read your name tag.
MATT: Oh. Right. So…anyway, I was just walking by, saw the sign, and thought I’d check the place out. Now…are you guys…
BILL,GLEN, AND WALTER: ( simultaneously ) Yes.
WALTER: We really are actual psychics.
MATT: So you can really see the future?
BILL: Well, we know that even if we tell you ‘yes,’ you are still not going to believe us.
MATT: I don’t know about that. Try me.
BILL: Yes.
Pause.
MATT: Yeah, you’re right. It’s just that it’s so hard to believe that someone can-
GLEN: How about this? Instead of just taking our word for it, let me demonstrate for you. I will tell you what is going to happen, before it actually happens. How does that sound?
MATT: Okay.
GLEN: Alright. Well, we’ll start with a catastrophe at 9:00.
( Matt looks at his watch )
GLEN: No, not the time. You know, nine-o-clock?
MATT: Oh, yeah.
GLEN: Three…Two…One…
A waiter trips and spills a tray of food. Dishes clatter on the floor.
MATT: Whoa!
WALTER: Pretty good, huh?
MATT: That was amazing!
BILL: I know, right?
GLEN: But hey, if you thought that was amazing, wait ‘til you see what’s about to walk through that door.
A bombshell of a young woman enters from one side of the stage and walks completely across, exiting out the other side. She is wearing a super attractive/sexy outfit. Bill does a little catcall whistle after she is gone.
MATT: Holy crap! Is she a psychic too?
BILL: No, she is definitely not a psychic.
WALTER: That’s too bad, too.
GLEN: She is actually staying in a different part of the hotel. Right now she’s on her way to see her boyfriend in 1102. A little surprise birthday visit…
MATT: ( still watching where the woman exited ) Oh.
BILL: No, he’s not a psychic, either.
MATT: Right.
GLEN: So how are we doing so far?
MATT: Well, I gotta say, I guess I’m convinced.
GLEN: Well, I have one more call of the night.
MATT: Okay.
GLEN: You.
MATT: Me?
GLEN: Yeah. You didn’t just stumble in here at random. You drove all the way from [ insert an appropriate town name that people will recognize based on your location, maybe 1-2 hours away ] just to seek us out because you believe you have a dilemma that we can help you out with.
MATT: Yeah! How…nevermind.
GLEN: Why don’t you tell us a little more about that?
MATT: Okay. Well,my girlfriend and I have been going out for about two years now. And for the most part, everything has been great. But I know that she doesn’t like living here, and we were planning on moving out to California—but not until next year because of my work and all. Anyway, last month she applied for a position out there at a company that her ex works for and she got accepted. So now she wants to move out there right away. She says our relationship can last a year, but…
GLEN: But…?
MATT: But I don’t know. And I don’t want to hold her back but working with her ex? I’m thinking that maybe I should just end it, you know? And so I need to know if I should break up with her or not.
GLEN: Yeah, can’t answer that for you.
MATT: Why not?
GLEN: Because that is something you need to decide.
MATT: Why?
BILL: We cannot give you any insight that may alter the decision you would have had to arrive at on your own.
MATT: Nothing?
WALTER: Nothing.
MATT: Not even-
BILL,GLEN, AND WALTER: ( simultaneously ) No.
Matt pauses, thinking.
MATT: What about if you just tell me what I end up choosing to do, huh?
GLEN: Can’t do that either.
BILL: Nice try but we knew you’d ask that.
MATT: Hmm. Well,then I choose to…
[Gauging the psychic’s response]
MATT: …dump her!
WALTER: We knew you would decide that.
MATT: Well then why didn’t you just tell me that?
GLEN: Because you needed to decide that for yourself—so that you wouldn’t be swayed by our answer. Do you understand?
MATT: Uhh, no.
GLEN: It’s like this:
Glen sees a waiter walking past and calls out-
GLEN: Hey, Buddy! You had better watch where you’re going or you’re gonna trip!
The waiter, looking back at Glen, trips and falls.
GLEN: Did you see what happened there? I told him he was going to trip, and he fell.
MATT: Yeah, so?
GLEN: But if you noticed, it would appear that he tripped because he was not watching where he was going.
BILL: Glen’s reveal of the future may have played a part in the unfolding of that event in the manner in which it did.
WALTER: So the real question is, ‘Would he have tripped if Glen hadn’t said anything?’
MATT: Wow. That’s confusing as shit.
BILL: That’s why we typically don’t help people with issues like this that much.
MATT: I see. Well, in trying to gauge your guys’ reaction to my decision, the solution that I supposedly picked at random was to dump her—and you guys knew that I would pick that. Also, I think that I probably wouldn’t have come all the way here and spent all this effort looking for the answer to whether or not I should break up with my girlfriend if I hadn’t probably made that decision already, even if I didn’t know it. Maybe I was actually only looking for some type of justification.
WALTER: That is some very thoughtful and observant insight, Matt.
MATT: Thank you.
GLEN: So, Matt, will you be sticking around? Perhaps you would care for a drink?
MATT: No, I don’t really think so. I should probably be going soon. Have to figure out the best way to break the news!
GLEN: Well, I can tell you right now that you end up staying so you might as well grab a drink.
Matt looks confused, unsure if they are joking with him—but decides to stay.
MATT: What the hell? Okay, then.
GLEN: Good man! Barkeep! Gin and tonic for our friend, please.
MATT: Okay, you gotta stop doing that. It’s really starting to freak me out now.
GLEN: Okay. Just trying to have a little fun. Gotta enjoy yourself somehow, right?
MATT: Yeah, I guess. So are you guys enjoying yourselves?
BILL: Yeah.
WALTER: Sure.
GLEN: We are. Right now, anyway.
MATT: And later you won’t be?
GLEN: Well it’s not that great of a convention this year. The chicken dinner they serve is going to be dry, the guest speaker gives a rather boring speech, and the traffic leaving here is going to be a bear.
MATT: Well if you already know it’s not gonna be that great then why even bother to come at all?
BILL: Eh, at the end of the day, it’s worth it. You’ll see.
MATT: Okay.
GLEN: And you’re part of the reason too.
MATT: I am? You mean helping me with my decision?
GLEN: You’ll see.
Bartender returns with the drink.
GLEN: Well, here we go. A toast!
MATT: A toast to what?
GLEN: Uh, the future, of course!
Cheers and drinks. A momentary pause.
MATT: So…how does she take the breakup?
BILL: ( Grimacing ) Not good.
MATT: Not good?
BILL: It’s bad. Women don’t like being dumped.
MATT: Oh. Crap. Well what if I didn’t actually break up with her then?
WALTER: Not good either. She cheats on you and you end up with an STD.
MATT: Holy shit! That’s terrible!
WALTER: Yes.
MATT: Well now I have to break up with her!
WALTER: It would appear to be that way. But don’t forget, you need to remember the question: Would you have broken up with her if we hadn’t told you about that?
MATT: About her reaction or the STD?
WALTER: First one, then the other.
MATT: Still confusing as shit.
BILL: Yeah, it’s rough.
MATT: So basically, it ends badly either way regardless of what I do?
BILL: I’m afraid it does.
MATT: Well that’s not good news. ( Pause ) Any bright spots on the horizon?
BILL: Oh yeah. There are always bright spots ahead. No matter what.
MATT: Hmm. ( Pauses, thinking ) Any way that I could sweet talk you guys into giving me next week’s lottery numbers?
BILL: Hmm, I think the odds of that happening are about the same as you just winning it on your own…so no.
MATT: I figured. But there’s one thing I’m wondering. If you guys really know the future then why don’t you play the lottery for yourselves?
GLEN: We can’t. Well we can but then that would be the end of being able to see into the future. You see, as soon as a psychic uses his gift for personal gain he loses his power. And while it would be pretty awesome to be rich, it’s even cooler to be able to avoid every car accident you would have been involved in, know which job postings would be worth applying for and…know when and where you might catch a glimpse of a naked woman!
WALTER: All good things!
MATT: I agree.
GLEN: But you’re right, Matt. Every once in a while, a seer will choose to give up that power. A lot of those huge jackpot lottery winners—those are psychics that choose to take the payout and cash in on their gift. Sort of like ‘retiring via the lottery.’
MATT: I see. Interesting.
WALTER: It sure is.
MATT: Well guys, it truly has been insightful, as well as a pleasure to meet you all, but I just don’t see myself staying any longer. I feel satisfied that I got the answer that I was seeking, but I should really be going now. I need to think of the best way to break the news to my girlfriend that I am dumping her.
GLEN: Well, Matt, I wouldn’t really worry about that right now.
MATT: What do you mean? Why not?
GLEN: Because, you have something better to do at the moment.
BILL: Besides, you don’t owe it to her. She cheats on you anyway.
MATT: I don’t understand.
WALTER: Hey, guys…
Walter points to the side of the stage where the bombshell woman exited a few minutes earlier. She reenters, fuming mad and stomping back through in the other direction. She is completely naked except for the high heels that she still has on. Matt’s jaw drops in astonishment. Nadia exits the other side of the stage.
NOTE: If the performance venue/audience situation will not permit the aforementioned nudity, Nadia’s costume may consist of a bra, panties, and the heels.
BILL: And that’s why I bothered to show up tonight!
MATT: Oh my God! What’s going on with her?
BILL: Didn’t I tell you it’d be worth it?
MATT: What happened?
GLEN: Yeah, we left out the part about the birthday surprise being finding her boyfriend banging a hotel maid!
WALTER: Whew. Shame.
MATT: Wow!
BILL: So does that answer your question of why we came here, Matt?
MATT: I’m sure I would have come here too if I’d have known that was going to happen. But,wait. You said that I was part of the reason…?
Glen picks up the bouquet of flowers and hands it to Matt.
GLEN: She’s in room 624.
MATT: Oh. And you think I should… ( motions toward where the woman exited )
Bill, Glen, and Walter all nod in unison. Momentary pause as Matt looks at the doorway where the girl exited, contemplating. Then he turns back to them.
MATT: So do I actually--?
BILL,GLEN, AND WALTER: ( simultaneously ) Yes!
BILL: Get up there already!
MATT: Okay! I’m doin’ it!
GLEN: I told you you’d end up staying!
MATT: Thanks guys! It’s been a pleasure!
WALTER: ( almost under his breath ) You just wait!
Matt runs off stage. He immediately sticks his head back in the doorway.
MATT: Oh-
GLEN: It’s Nadia.
MATT: Thanks!
Matt gives a thumbs-up sign as he disappears again.
BILL: Well that was worth the drive, don’t you think?
GLEN: It makes the rest of the night bearable.
WALTER: That Nadia had some nice legs, that’s for sure. ( he whistles )
GLEN: ( Sighs ) Oh, let’s face it boys—that right there is going to be, without a doubt, the best part of this evening.
BILL: Yeah, you’re right about that.
WALTER: Should we just leave now?
BILL: Definitely.
THE END.