By Jesse Lee

Short Play - Comedy

2M, 2F

CHARACTERS:

BREE The Woman        Attractive and young, all-American girl look

BUTCH The Biker                  Older and rugged, badass

KENT    The Corporate Nerd    Young, well dressed, and clean cut, a little nerdy though

MEG     The Roommate          Young,cute in her own way, slightly   “bookworm-ish”

SETTING:   A living room.   Couch, desk, etc.   There are 2 doors – a main entry door to the side of the stage and a rear door that goes to the kitchen.

Bree and Butch are making out on the couch.   Bree pauses.

BREE:   So you’re sure you don’t want to go out tonight?   Dinner or drinks or anything ?

BUTCH:   Bree baby, I don‘t got all kinds of extra money to spend on fancy dinners.

BREE:   Well…I could pay.   I mean…it wouldn’t even have to be that fancy.

BUTCH:   And I already have plenty of alcohol in my blood stream so what’s the point of going out for drinks?

Butch resumes kissing her, then pauses.

BUTCH:   I just figured we’d stay here and fool around.

Butch resumes.

BREE:   Okay.

As they continue making out, Butch puts his hand on Bree’s breast.

BREE:   ( pushing his hand away ) Butch,stop.   We can’t do this here.

BUTCH:   Why not?

BREE:   Hello!   ( motions toward rear door ) Roommate in the kitchen…

BUTCH:   ( disapprovingly ) Eh.

Suddenly there is a knock on the door.

BREE:   Hang on.

She gets up and walks over to the door.   She looks through the peephole, then whips around in shock, bracing her back against the door.

BREE:   Oh, God!

BUTCH:   What is it?

BREE:   Nothing!   Oh, God!   What day is it?

BUTCH:   Friday.

BREE:   ( talking to herself ) Shit, shit,shit.   How can this be?   I must have--

Another knock.

BUTCH:   What’s going on?

BREE:   Nothing!   It’s fine!   Everything is fine!

Meg walks in from the kitchen.

MEG:   Do you not hear the door?

BREE:   We are not going to answer it, Meg.

MEG:   Why not?   Who is it?

BREE:   ( thinking quickly ) Its…a telemarketer!

MEG:   A telemarketer?

BREE:   Yes.

MEG:   At the door?

BREE:   Yes.

Another knock on the door. This time it is slow and deliberate.

BREE:   Let’s just pretend we’re not here.

KENT:   ( from outside ) Umm, I can hear you,Bree.

BREE:   No you can’t.   We’re not here.

KENT:   Yes you are.

MEG:   Why does the telemarketer know your name?   What’s going on here?

Meg opens the door.

KENT:   Bree?

BREE:   Kent.

MEG:   Hi, I’m Meg.

KENT:   Kent.   Nice to meet you.

BUTCH:   Who’s this guy?

BREE:   Oh, shit.

KENT:   Who are you?

BUTCH:   Who are you ?

MEG:   ( finally realizing what is going on, starts giggling ) Oh, shit!

BREE:   ( to herself ) I can’t believe this is happening…

MEG:   Wow!   Okay, well…let’s all just stay calm, here.   I’m sure there’s an explanation for this—I’d love to hear what it is!   ( pause ) How about over drinks?   I could go for adrink!   Anyone else?   Come on.   Nothing calms impulsive, irrational behavior quite like alcohol!   I’ll get everyone some drinks!   Play nice, you guys!

Meg leaves.

BREE:   ( to herself ) Oh, God.

KENT:   ( sizing up Butch ) Well.

BUTCH:   ( sizing up Kent ) Well.

BREE:   Well, so.   Who would have thought?   Here we all are.   So what…do you guys propose?

BUTCH:   Propose?   Nah, I’m not too big on the whole “marriage” thing, myself.

KENT:   No, she means how are we going to resolve this?

Butch gives Kent a blank look.

KENT:   ( to Butch ) Handle this?   Figure this out?   ( to Bree ) Who is this guy?   Special Ed?

BREE:   Kent!

BUTCH:   I’ll tell you how we propose this-

KENT:   Resolve.

BUTCH:   Whatever.   A fight!

BREE:   Butch!

KENT:   A fight?

BREE:   No.

BUTCH:   Yeah.  

KENT:   Why?

BUTCH:   She should be with the one who can protect her better.

BREE:   You’re not fighting.

KENT:   Well I think that she should be with the one who can provide a better future for her.

BUTCH:   That’s dumb.   Put ‘em up!

BREE:   You two are not fighting!

BUTCH:   What about arm wrestling?   We could decide this by arm wrestling.   What do you say?

KENT:   We should probably just make a pro’s and con’s list for each of us.   That way you can see the obvious answer…

BUTCH:   I can’t really write that good.

KENT:   My point exactly.  But I'll tell you what--you can just tell me, and I’ll write it down for you.

BUTCH:   Or what if we played a game of poker for her.   Do you like cards?

KENT:   If we’re just gambling on it we might as well just save some time and draw straws.

BUTCH:   If only we could think of something we both had in common.   Do you like guns?

KENT:   I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything that we both like to do.

MEG:   ( pops her head in the doorway from offstage ) Except for Bree!

Bree shoots Meg a death stare, Meg ducks back offstage.

KENT:   There has to be a logical solution for this.

BREE:   ( despairingly joking ) How ‘bout a threesome?

The guys don’t hear her.

BREE:   Ha ha!   ( pause ) No?   Nothing?

The guys are still not listening to her.

KENT:   Maybe a debate?

BUTCH:   I got it!

KENT:   I have it.

BUTCH:   Okay, what’s your idea first?

KENT:   Nothing, I’m just correcting you.   You said “I got it.”   That’s improper grammar.   The correct sentence structure is, “I haveit.”

BUTCH:   Oh.

KENT:   So go ahead.

BUTCH:   Go ahead of what?

KENT:   What’s your idea?

BUTCH:   I don’t know.   I forgot.

KENT:   We are getting nowhere like this!

BUTCH:   Well if we can’t fight then the best thing to do is just flip a coin.   Leave it up to fate.

He reaches into his pocket, then looks around sheepishly.

BUTCH:   Anybody got a coin?

KENT:   Have.

BREE:   Oh, God…

Meg comes back in with drinks.

MEG:   Alright, drinks for everyone.   But only one.   This is to calm some nerves, not ignite a passion-fueled multiple homicide.

KENT:   I think we need a third-party opinion on who Bree should date.   Meg!

MEG:   ( skeptically ) Yeeessssss?

KENT:   You live here with Bree.   I’m sure you have some familiarity with her and the type of personality that she possesses.   To the best of your knowledge, who do you think would be the best candidate for Bree to date, and why?

MEG:   Wellllll…

KENT:   You know what?   Forget the ‘why.’   Just tell Bree who to pick so that we can be done with this fiasco!

MEG:   Okay, look.   It’s like this.   When I came into this room, the three of you were arguing over which two of you should be dating because, come on, two guys and one girl is generally not considered an ideal dating scenario.   But …now with me here, it not only brings the total number of people to four, but coincidentally, there are now two guys and two girls, which is an ideal double date scenario!   Bam!   Problem solved.

She smiles with herself.

KENT:   That’s it!

MEG:   I know!   I’m good at problem solving!   So where should we go?

KENT:   No, I mean I’ve got the answer!

BUTCH:   Got!  Got!  You said got!   That’s improper grammar, Bitch!

KENT:   Actually I said “I’ve got.”   ‘I’ve’ is a contraction for ‘I have.’   So really I said ‘I have got’ which is a perfectly acceptable participle form to use and is indeed grammatically correct.   Bitch.

BUTCH:   Fag.

BREE AND MEG:   Guys!

KENT:   Look, there’s only ONE logical solution to this, and that is to have Bree choose.   Right here and now!

MEG:   ( knows there is more than one solution possible ) Noo…

BUTCH:   Yeah!

BREE:   No.

KENT:   Yes.

BREE:   I can’t.

MEG:   The double date was logical too.

No one is listening to Meg.

KENT:   You put yourself into this situation, and now you have to face it.

BREE:   I can’t.

MEG:   ( to herself ) No one is listening to me…

BUTCH:   Can’t face it?

BREE:   No, I can’t choose.

KENT:   You have to.   It’s the only way.

MEG:   Still no.

BUTCH:   Yeah, whose it gonna be?   Me or wanker, here?

KENT:   Wanker or me, dumbass!

BUTCH:   Dick!

BREE:   Umm…

MEG:   ( to herself ) I’m not really here, I guess…

BUTCH:   Come on, we don’t got all day.

KENT:  Have.

BREE:   Umm…

MEG:   For the love of God just pick one, Bree!

BREE:   Ahh, shit…

KENT:   Hurry up and choose already.

BREE:   I CAN’T!   I just can’t.   You see, individually, you both have flaws.   But together, you’re the perfect man!   Butch, with that hot motorcycle and that leather jacket of yours, it just sings right to my bad-girl heart.   And Kent, you have well groomed hair, a perfectly balanced stock portfolio, and a black sedan that is so sporty yet somehow would still have enough room to put car seats in the back…I don’t want to have to choose between you two!   I want to date you both!

She takes a breath to calm herself.

BREE:   I’m not picking.

BUTCH:   Well, Kent could have Thursday nights becauseI have poker league, and on--Whoa!   Wait a sec!   I am NOT gonna be sharing you with this-

KENT:   Hey hey hey, just hang on a minute now.   I think she might really be onto something there.

BREE:   You do?

MEG AND BUTCH:   She is?

BREE:   The threesome idea?

KENT:   ( ignoring Bree ) Well I mean, she does have a very valid point.   It‘s a dilemma that every woman has to face:   the bad boy or the stable man.   Butch, you have this external badass attraction thing going on, but you have no money and sub average intelligence.   I, on the other hand, have the brains, upper middle class job stability, and a romantic streak to boot, but you know, I could go for having a few more bitches too!   So obviously, you and I, we need to become…double date gigolos!

BREE:   Oh, God.

BUTCH:   ( pondering ) Huh.

MEG:   ( flabbergasted ) Wow.

KENT:   It’s perfectly logical!   The two of us, we are on complete opposite ends of the male spectrum.   Women have always had to choose.   But what if they didn’t have to choose one side of the spectrum or the other?   What woman wouldn’t want to have it from both ends?

MEG:   All women want to have it from both ends.

KENT:   Exactly!   The days of being forced to choose are a thing of the past!   This will revolutionize dating!

BUTCH:   Yeah!   That’s a bitchin’ary idea!

BREE:   No…

MEG:   Bitchin’ary?   Really?

KENT:   Partners?

BUTCH:   Fuck yeah!   Women and money!

KENT:   Alright, let’s go.   It’s Friday night—I’m sure we can drum up some business at the airport hotel.

BUTCH:   Getting’ paid to get laid!

KENT:   It’ll be the best business ever !

BUTCH:   God I love bein’ a business man!

Kent and Butch head for the exit.

BUTCH:   ( on the way out ) Hey, can we get some business cards?

Bree collapses onto the couch.   Meg is still watching the door.

MEG:   Huh.   No bloodshed.   All in all, I’d say that went okay.

BREE:   ( to herself ) Did not see things turning out that way…

MEG:   Could’ve been a lot worse.   Could’ve been a lot better too, though.   Certain movies come to mind.   Actually-

BREE:   From two dates to none!

MEG:   ( not really listening to Bree ) Yeeeaahh, have you seen my checkbook?

BREE:   In the desk drawer.   What luck!   Can you believe this?!

MEG:   Oh, yep.   There it is.   Thanks.

Meg starts to walk out the door.

MEG:   See you later.

BREE:   Hey, wait.   Where are you going?

MEG:   Airport hotel, duh!

Meg closes the door behind her.   Bree throws her hands in the air.

BREE:   You gotta be kidding me.

Bree pauses for a moment, thinking.   Then she jumps up, grabs her purse, and runs out the door.

THEEND.